Seasonal Boredom

There is something about this time of the year in Ambridge that I hate - well that is a tad strong but I certainly cringe when THE GREAT AMBRIDGE PANTOMIME is mentioned. Every year exactly the same thing happens - Linda proposes some terrible updated and yet traditional production that no one wants to take part in (with good reason). Then the usual suspects are persuaded to take on the usual roles. Lets face it we all know they are going to agree. There is a disaster of some sort (this year Sabrina Thwaites - one of the'silent' characters) went off to Switzerland at the vital moment and Graham Ryder (another minor, but in this case vocal, character) complains about a collapsing beanstalk. But then it turns out to be alright on the night. But tell me - where does the enormous audience for several nights of performances actually come from? How vast is this village?
I'm sorry I haven't kept this blog about my favourite soap going well recently - it isn't as if nothing has happened - in 2009 I will get better!

Goodness Me!

Now I haven't done a blog entry about The Archers in ages - and there is a good reason for that. The multiple (crazy) storylines have left me shellshocked and bludgeoned. The terrible trio shown above are the prime (but not sole) culprits. The Ed/Emma/Will Grundy love triangle has been too much for me to bear - what is it about these Grundy boys that compels them to run and hide whenever the calculating Emma flutters her eye lashes? Anyway, what with that and in chronological order: the rape trial, Hayley & Roy's premature baby (and Brenda getting the blame for that) Joe & Mildred's love affair - and I had Mildred marked out as being Matt's long lost mother - drama at Pat & Tony's - first the packing shed and now Tom's commitment to the family farm, Brian and his lovechild, the inter faith marriage and Shula deserving a good slap, I just wanted to have some moments of joy - and not the awful business of Phil not being able to cope with Jill being away for a few days. Bring back Linda Snell and Lillian being amusing, and less of the oh so serious villians.

The Plot Thickens

Now there is a history between Shula and Usha, and now Shula has taken her revenge by 'accidentally' spilling the beans about Usha's forthcoming nuptials with the Vicar. She let slip that

not everyone in the village has been happy about the inter-faith relationship. Meanwhile we're all worried about Will who has clearly been earmarked by the scriptwriters as the unluckiest man in the county. After marrying and divorcing the appalling Emma (and as a Carter and with plenty of Horobin blood in her were we surprised when she started - on the eve of her wedding - an affair with Will's brother?) he then gets involved with child beater Nic and dumps her. Earlier he'd fallen under the spell of mad gamekeeper Greg who proceeded to blow his brains out - the aftermath of which Will witnessed. I don't think being a gamekeeper in Ambridge is lucky, because now someone seems determined to frame Will for poisoning endangered species. Of course Will doesn't help himself by taking offence at everything that is said to or near him, and by picking public fights with brother Ed. There will be trouble ahead.....

The Knives Are Out....

So Vicar Alan is going to get spliced at a nice 'interdenominational' service at St Stephen's. Asian lawyer (and former victim of racial abuse from Roy Tucke ) Usha has encountered objections from her family and Alan got the knock back from his late wife's mother. Now, ex-jailbird Susan Carter is dishing the dirt to a reporter from the Borchester Echo. Now, Susan (typical example of glass house dweller) is really the best qualified to set standards in faith, morality and the milk of human kindness. You do begin to wonder what is happening at script writers meetings.

Crown Court?

I don't know how many of you remember a long-running series (I think produced by Granada TV) called Crown Court. I'm sorry but The Archers is turning into this much loved (and lamented) lunch time soap, so favoured by students, the unemployed and the housebound. On Friday night 'the jury' were sent home for the weekend - leaving Kathy (and the whole radio audience) frustrated and slightly bored. Several people I know have given up listening because of this ludicrously drawn out story line. Rather like the Diana Inquest most of us are beginning to wonder what the point is. If the BBC wanted to display rape cases more accurately surely Kathy's entire sex life would have been dragged into the open, the list of her partners and ex-husbands would have been revealed, total character assassination would have ensued and Owen's blameless character and mild manner would have been paraded for the delight of the jury. Please put an end to all our misery!

Just Incredible?

Now if I'd seen the forthcoming scripts for The Archers and discovered that Nic (the child beater) had in fact been subject to alien abduction and swapped for a creature from the planet Zark, would I (or indeed anyone else) be totally surprised?

Lets face it the scriptwriters have obviously recently attended the Phil Redmond (he of Brookside, Grange Hill and Hollyoaks) school for the most unlikely plot lines. Usually we have the 'hard' story lines interspersed with something happier and more amusing - usually involving Lillian, Linda, the Grundys or Bert Fry. Now even the usual April Fool merry japes (oh how we laughed in the 1960s and 70s on this annual feast of merriment) fall flat. So darling Pip sends a text claiming she's spent the night at Jonathan's and David goes ape. Laugh, I never thought I'd start. So relentlessly we have the trial and Kathy's ordeal, religious controversy, (Alan & Usha oh so surprisingly meeting opposition when they get engaged - so looking forward to the Bishop adapting the order of service in true CofE manner to accommodate a few Hindu rituals, maybe Ganesh will pop in, elephant head & all), child abuse (or was it just youthful high spirits), and bovine TB resulting in collapse of the Borsetshire cheese business, and not forgetting Jack's dementia. Oh how we regret the passing of Nelson & the antique shop, and Nigel's ice cream van.

The D word is out

This will rival Paul & Heather at all sorts of levels. As Hayley was giving premature birth to Abi

as a result of Brenda's hissy fit over the division of the Tucker house (although it was a tad insensitive for Roy to be measuring up before Brenda had been consulted), Jennifer was at the point of calling her lawyers over Brian's decision to give a third of the farm to his five year old lovechild - instead of dividing it amongst two of her children by previous liaisons - bizarre logic here somewhere. I've said it before - property brings nothing but distress. Things will only get worse....

Domino Effect?

One of the unintended consequences of William Grundy's purchase of a house in Ambridge is a rift in the Tucker household. Brenda was certainly very unimpressed by her home being split up and one half given away to her brother, Roy, as a new house for the baby Hayley is expecting. Brenda had a terrible row with Mike, who foolishly thought it was ok to effectively cut Brenda out of her inheritance, well until he dies that is. Mike has clearly not heard of premature inheritance. In fact at the moment Ambridge seems awash with property being the cause of unrest - the Aldridge's are at daggers drawn once Brian's decision to give a third of the farm to his love child and effectively cutting down the inheritance of the only two farmers in the family. As someone remarked 'Where there's a Will there's a family row'.

William the Conqueror?

Poor Will Grundy - well I know he's got £120,000 from some Scottish Aunt, but he's also got Nic 'the gold digging/con-artist' Hanson as his live in lover, and the abiding hatred of his brother, Ed, ex-wife Emma, and former friends Roy Tucker & pregnant girlfriend Hayley. Nic seems to be constantly on the verge of battering George, Will's son, and really can't deal with village life. She's also determined to get her hands on Will's money and certainly isn't keen on some of it going to George. He's just gazumped Roy & Hayley over the house that Emma used to live in - and who will he be renting it out to - whilst leaving Nic stuck in some tiny tied cottage in the woods? Will really knows how to win friends and influence people!

Strange Couples

Now the family relationships in Ambridge are always slightly complicated, but the announcement that Heather (Ruth's mother) and Jim (the Prof) are to meet up means potentially that David's mother-in-law could also turn out to be his sister Shula's mother-in-law too. Now how does that make them related exactly? Whilst we're on the subject of Heather - what time era is she in precisely? Do people from the North East really talk about children as 'bairns' or is this just another example of Archers tweeness - I do find it so irritating. Of course I have to have the sick bucket close to hand all the time whilst listening to this everday story while Ruth goes through the trauma of her operation. I do find the constant loveydoveyness nauseating when we recall how recently she was having interesting liaisons in the cowshed with herdsman Sam. But then her mother also tried to alienate the affections of Phil not that long ago.

Whilst considering bizarre couplings can someone explain to me why Matt & Brian are so devastatingly attractive to women? Is it power and money that does it? Brian in particular is very unsavoury, and is currently trying to snatch away the inheritance for Adam & Debbie in favour of his lovechild. Ah well it isn't real life!

Something Strange is Happening in Ambridge

Life in Ambridge is starting to be something like a Stephen King movie. Owen King is now trying to get into Kathy's house and 'surprise' her. Has he gone totally insane? How will this help his court case? Unfortunately for us listeners Elizabeth was the instrument of Kathy's release - by 'happening to pass by' her house just as the alleged rapist was worming his way into her house by playing on Jamie's youth and innocence. Does this mean Elizabeth and Kathy will be friends again? I hope not!

The 'Prof' gets his marching orders

Now I'm not a great fan of the impossibly priggish Shula, but the arrival of the appalling Jim Lloyd has made me almost sympathetic. Like a true cameleon this grumpy old man showed a variety of colours depending on who he had as an audience - argumentative with the Vicar, Phil Archer, Alastair and Shula, but charming to Caroline & Oliver and extremely friendly to the Grundy Tribe & Kenton. Today hobbling dad-in-law was given his marching orders. Who else should be written out of the series? Vote in my poll!

Pip comes over all holier than thou!

Pip is rapidly becoming someone to truly detest. Considering her life is formed entirely as a result of the bounty of a farm full of animals killed for meat, and certainly not organic, it is a tad rich that she comes over all appalled by the fact that the Estate is ploughing up set-aside land to garner profits from rocketing grain prices. Clearly Brookfield's farming methods aren't environmentally sound (lack of skylark nests for example) but this little prig thinks she will give Matt a piece of her mind.
Talking of people we'd like to see going head first into the slurry pit, we are all pleased to see Lizzie being discomforted by the results of her blabbing Kathy's secrets around most of the County. Stuck up Shula spilled the beans to Kathy. Shall we form a line to give this appalling woman the slap she deserves?